You know when you first wake up, your mind isn't really awake. It's that special moment with no real thoughts of reality. It's the split few seconds that life is good, really good! Another beautiful sunrise is upon us and it's going to be a beautiful, glorious day. But, then your mind wakes up and you realize your life has changed.
I feel fine, physically, in fact I feel great! But my mind is confused, my heart is sad and broken. Why me? Why now? Why this? I have ALWAYS been a planner. Maybe that is why I am so good at my job and my life, it just comes naturally. The next chapter in my life was carefully planned. Bought this house after a 5 week stint traveling to cities to find my new place. I wanted to be near a cool city and close to many beaches. I could see the future of entertaining and hosting guests, having delicious dinner parties with new and old friends, game nights filled with laughter and fun, hosting family and close friends who want to visit for a bit. During the day we would head to the beach and at night we would go downtown to Wilmington and walk around or go to fun restaurants on the water in Southport, Wrightsville or Carolina Beach. It's those split seconds when you first wake up when all of this seems real and you are happy, really happy you made that leap of faith to move but then reality sets in.
My heart feels heavy today. My mind keeps playing tricks on me. I am not sure if anyone else remembers back when we were small but our parents used to say "you have an Angel on one shoulder and a Devil on the other, make sure to always listen to the Angel, never the Devil". Well I see them both on my shoulders lately and it sucks and I really want to flick that Devil off! One minute I am happy, full of hope and determination but the next minute, I am sad and depressed that all my dreams may be shattered one day. For the first 2 weeks, I lived with the unknown of whether it was "potentially a tumor or potentially an inflammatory finding". So, they don't know anything yet, Debi, that is what I would tell myself. Keep building your future until you hear otherwise. I held onto the hope that maybe, just maybe, it is just an infection from my last stint with COVID back in early January.
But, last Friday confirmed my worst fear when the doctor said the big "C" word. You know those movies where the person gets bad news and once they hear it, the rest is just a blur. They don't remember what was said afterwards or even how long they were in conversation. Well folks, it is not just in the movies. I heard nothing after that word was said. I just felt my body sink into the ground, melting on the sidewalk outside the condo where we were staying.
It has been 5 days since I heard that word. I never did get to see the actual results of the PET scan or read the notes from the radiologist because it was done across state lines and there is a law so I have been told that I cannot get the report online, only through mail. I am now patiently waiting for snail mail. This was where my head went this morning after waking up. Maybe the 2 radiologists were wrong or maybe just maybe the PET scan machine malfunctioned and once I get this 3D CT scan / biopsy the Pulmonologist will say "Congratulations, it was just an inflammatory finding!" or "Oh, this is nothing, looks to be benign" and everything will be okay.
What I have learned so far about the mind and heart that controls your emotions is this. I will wake up every morning with a few seconds of joy, happiness that I got to see another sunrise but I also know that once my brain truly wakes up that the negative thoughts will kick in. It is then when I must remember what my parents told us when we were small, "listen to the Angels, not the Devil" and I will flick that Devil off my shoulder and rid myself of all the negative thoughts because there is hope, there is my faith in God and I am strong, I am going to beat whatever this is no matter what. As my brother so kindly put it, "F*ck Cancer! You got this. Time for some genuine Maykrantz ass kickin".
In closing, I really have no concrete answers for me or for anyone at this point. The more doctors, nurse practitioners and administration people I speak with cannot give me a solid answer so it is very confusing to me. I was told today that the real truth will come after the biopsy is performed which is now scheduled for Friday, May 24 (yeah! Memorial Day weekend! - UGH!). So, we sit and wait for another 2 weeks with the unknown and no plans. Boy that really stinks for a person who was programmed to be a planner....
"Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7 NLT
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